I Love You...But I Love Myself MORE!

SO, it’s been a full 48 hrs. since I blacked out on things not absolutely essential to my life and I must admit I’m proud of myself. I’ve had my weak moments but I’ve challenged my idle mind with the word, activities to promote healthy thinking, and of course Life Class last night. I’ve limited my Facebook access (no more logging on at work) and essentially only logged into twitter to post my blog links. I have however signed up for Instagram, you can add me: Marilynaddict.

I’ve sat down with myself the other night and really broke down the things I need to start to work on. Lord knows I’ll never be a perfect woman but I can identify the toxic behaviors/attitudes I have that need to go in order for me to grow.

Each day is going to be taken one day at a time; I’m purging myself of the ideas of thinking about my entire week on Sunday/Monday. Truth be told I don’t even know if I’ll be here at the end of the week, so why worry?

34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~ Matthew 6:34

As I look back over the past 4 years of my life, the first thing that pops into my mind is my inability to trust people. This isn’t necessarily something to be ashamed of, as I know that I shouldn’t put my trust in man (by that I mean MAN AND WOMAN).

“5 This is what the LORD says: Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the LORD. 6 That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.” ~ Jeremiah 17:5-10

See also, Isaiah 2:22

Once you’ve been hurt so much, you become accustomed to hurt- it’s only human nature. However, if I plan to get past these past few years I need to do a “colon cleanse of my heart, mind, and soul” one of the key steps is to forgive those who’ve hurt me and forgive myself for whatever role I played.

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” ~ Matthew 6:14

“…Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” ~ Luke 23:43

Looking deeper, I realized the real bitter root of what caused me so many issues these past few years, aside from worrying, trouble trusting, and the refusal to forgive…I’m Still Angry. This is something I have to tackle first and foremost and simply why I saved it for last. How can I prosper in anything if I’m holding onto a past that can do nothing for me, positive at this point? That’s not the definition of #winning

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.” ~ Proverbs 15:18

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” ~ James 1:19,20

A Step in the Right Direction

Again, I’m unsure of what prompted my initial decision to basically refrain from contacting everyone in my life but I felt it was a distraction, by my own admission. Just because I’m taking a break from certain people doesn’t mean the love is gone, it just means that I love myself more enough to know that I’m not living right, my mind is jacked up, and I need to correct myself before I set myself up for a world of trouble and a lifetime full of regret. <- that’s not happening!

I’ve taken the first step and I believe god will follow-up. I don’t know how long this process will take but I’m willing to take as long as it does so that my mind, heart, and soul may change.

I will be successful and for those of you whom doubt me or feel that I will fall….WATCH ME WORK!