April Showers (My Story)

Is it really April already? Seems like the ball just dropped on 2012 about a week or so ago.

The purpose of this post is for me to practice opening up and ridding myself of “my story”. Watching Oprah’s Life Class has inspired me to grow even deeper in my faith and rid myself of the toxin’s that try and break me down day by day. One of those things is: My Story, of April.

FLASHBACK to April 2009. I’m 19 years old, living in my first apartment with my then boyfriend (together since late summer 2006) and am working but not yet in school. As it stood during this time period I was physically preparing for a separation. Mentally and emotionally I was not; I was holding on to the falsehood that I could save my relationship. I refused to just accept that it was over, needed to be and that I needed to make the best of an ever-increasingly winless situation.

I did all I could do; beg and plead, crying, throwing fits…I was a mess and it showed. I went from jet black hair to blonde, bright red, red-wood brown, to jet black with red undertone; in a matter of weeks. I would randomly call out from work- just to sit in bed and cry, I went out of my way to purchase outfits to please, cooked food to possibly re-kindle my romance, and did a few more things I wasn’t proud of.

 This was my first real love you see and I did not know how to take this “rejection” well at all. Up until that point the only heartbreak I had experienced was with my 1^st boyfriend, the man before the present one and that to me, looking back was just puppy love. I thought I was really doing the right thing.

I stopped living in late February when he decided he wanted to separate. We never really had a time where there weren’t any issues, but I chopped that down to us just being young and in love. I was delusional; so much so that it was dangerous.

I wasn’t living for me. I wanted to do all I could to please him. To love him. To show him, I was who he needed to wife up, to marry, to have his first children.

What a mistake…

That month of April sticks out in my life and will forever because in the heat of the moment one night my life changed forever. I lost me, I lost my faith, and ultimately hope. Later, it’s been restored but that experience opened up a space in my heart, mind, and soul that I try to erase but cannot. It’s been written…and I have to deal.

That night, I looked at pictures of him holding onto another woman. I had seen it happen before, but not like this. He had lied, again. But this time it hurt me so bad that I couldn’t function. Ashley was no longer in the building, I had died. Somehow I ended outside of the apartment, walking with no real direction in an attempt to blow off some steam. I never felt so helpless, so in a dire attempt to get help when I should’ve prayed, packed a bag, and went to my home where my parents are. I called a then friend. That didn’t help.

I’m still unsure of how long I was outside, on the phone, aimlessly walking around my apartment complex- but it felt like hours. Eventually, he found me. We went home and I did not leave. That didn’t help.

Every ounce of pain, hurt, anger, frustration that was either self-inflected or brought on by him-finally boiled over onto the bare floors of our apartment.

I lost it. I threw things, said things that were true at the time but really didn’t mean. I hurt myself. I hurt him. I was momentarily insane.

The night ended with me leaving my home with my father. I cried from the moment I walked in until the moment I was supposed to get up for work. I didn’t sleep at all.

I went back to my apartment to find it essentially emptied. He took everything that belonged to him. Which essentially was everything; I didn’t stay.

In the days following I still chased him. Calling, texting to no response. I had let the devil win. This was god pulling me out of a situation I had prayed to be over and I STILL needed him.

He finally responded, later emailed and I, by my own admission pulled back into a situation I should’ve rid myself of when God gave me the opportunity to.

In my sick mind, I thought this would help me. He left me and he came back, so this must be love. So foolish.

I immediately held onto the idea of us getting back together, he made no promises or had any intentions to.

I slept with him- in my eyes nothing had changed.

I celebrated our anniversaries. In my eyes nothing had changed.

Everything I did for him was with the hope of being back together.

Meanwhile, he made me no promises. he made no effort to get back together. he lived his life.

He did the right thing. I’m the one that’s wrong.

But now, after 3 years and no progress. I believe god has finally opened my eyes.

Today, I woke up with a pain in my heart unlike none other. I felt like I had died in my sleep and god revived me. April has been a hard month to live thru since 2009, but this time it hurts even more. This year marks the one year anniversary of me being celibate; I haven’t had intercourse since the last time with him. This year marks the one year anniversary since I last seen him, I haven’t seen him since the last time he came over.

For months I’ve been trying to see him. Making failed attempts- planning failed trips. Not fully recognizing that once I rededicated my life to God, I had gave him the power to take over and that I no longer had control over the goings-on to an extent. God is my protector, so I believe it’s him protecting me from this man- this situation rather.

I’ve been very foolish in the months of April in the past years. I want this April to be different. In order to get results you’ve never gotten before, you must do things that you’ve never done.

I’m taking a break from all people in my life except for my immediate family. I need to get back to Ashley and right now all these others are distractions. I need to meditate, find me, and find my center. I need to pray. I need to give myself a way to god. I need to be at peace so that I can find strength, wisdom, and courage to get to the optimum place god wants me to be.

April will no longer be the month of pain for me. April will be a month where my strength comes from, where my help comes from…with god’s help.

I am not disassociating myself from my past nor am I making excuses for the horrible things I’ve done. I’m merely saying that enough is enough. I’m tired of being trapped in the mindset that of my past. I don’t want to question people’s actions. I don’t want to have issues with trust, no more issues getting over the past. It’s behind me, I can’t change anything about it.

I can however move forward.

I cannot change him, her, or anybody else. I can however, change myself.

And this is what April and every day in my life will be about. Change.

God I believe finally heard my call andon the day he was risen, he also rose me.

I hope everyone I've told understands. if not, I cannot explain it more than I already have.

There's things I need to focus on in my life and I cannot seem to be able to do that with you all here.
This is about me. I NEED TO BE FREE. & with Gods help I'm going to overcome all this and be a better woman.