Honesty Hour: "Insane Bag Lady" (Self-Analysis)

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

― Albert Einstein

I’m going to do something I’ve never done on this blog today and open up my mind and my heart. For the past week or so I’ve woke up everyday heart heavy, mind weary, and faith depleted. I don’t know whether I’ve come under attack by the enemy or if I’ve finally reached my breaking point with this; either way, I am constantly battling these feelings I cannot describe and I’m tired.

2012 makes over 2 ½ years I’ve been single. I truly believe the real reason for that is ME, I’ma Bag Lady. I’ve struggled long before my break-up with trusting people, giving people 2^nd chances, and not constantly questioning someone’s motives/actions or whether they are “for” me or not.

I’m not exactly in a position where I can say I trust people…because I don’t. I don’t love people too much…because I know what it’s like to have loved someone so much and be so disappointed when they hurt me. It’s so bad that I sometimes find myself LOOKING for things I could be hurt by, just to get it over and done with. I don’t open up to people…because I realize what it’s like to have secrets or information told in confidence only to be blabbered around. All of this stems from the past few years of my life…I wasn’t always this way, although I can’t remember those days.

I broke up with my ex of 2 ½ after having done things I said I would never do to someone: I lied, cheated, spied, and pretty much stopped loving me in pursuit of loving someone else- totally abandoning what my mother instilled in me; I put God and everything else beneath my ex, there was no living for Amilleon, it was about HIM…and I’m so ashamed of it now. He was not innocent in this, but I won’t dwell on each other’s short-comings.

 I reflect on this to say that all of that has stuck with me, I never have fully gotten a chance to properly overcome, and make a 180 turn from it. All the pain, hurt, anger, frustration, lack of trust, understanding and every negative emotion I encountered during our relationship has stuck with me.

I realize how unhealthy that is, I believe THAT is what is stopping me from aligning my life with God and truly focusing on me…I carry all that around with me day to day and I think that’s why God has not allowed me to grow beyond where I am right now.

Sure I’m living, but am I LIVING? I’m so caught up in my past, so caught up in pain…I wonder what the hell have I been doing all this time.

I want to make a vow to myself, which I pray I can keep…you all reading this will be a witness.

Today, starts the end of Amilleon “Bag Lady” Lyriss. LIFE is too short to carry around what I do every single day. My back has finally broke, I’m putting these bag’s down and focusing on ME. Now this is where the definition of “Insanity” comes in. I’ve attempted to do this before, only to fall flat on my face and go right back into my old habits. I Hope this time is different.

This is also a dedication to all my other Bag Ladies, Let it Go Let it Go Let it Go Let It Go.