Honesty Hour: "The Grieving" (Self-Analysis)

I believe I understand why things are so crazy for me at this point. 1 reason is that I haven’t had the chance to fully grieve over the passing of my grandmother.

You see, you can prepare for things as much as you want to, but when it happens, it’s a totally other situation. She was admitted to Greater South East back in July and had been in the hospital up until her last days. We saw her as much as we possibly could and after being found unconscious, rendering slight irreversible brain damage and moving to Hadley Memorial she began to do much better health wise…I truly thought my grandma was going to walk up out of there. She was transferred to Deanwood Nursing home after having showing great improvement, only to be found again unconscious and essentially passed away….she was brought back, but the damage was already done to my poor sweet lady.

She was rushed to PG community hospital where she stayed for a few weeks, before being transferred to the newer facility in Laurel…not too far from my home. I felt so glad that she was just a short drive from me and that I could see her whenever I could, but my heart still ached daily…I tried to prepare for the worst.

My grandmother was found unconscious again at around 5:40 A.M. December 22^nd 2012. They immediately phoned my mom who thankfully had my brother home for the day. I’m still not sure what went through my mind when I saw my 4 missed called from 5:50, 5:51 (2), and 5:54; but hearing my mommy’s tear-filled voice woke me up to the nightmare I’ve dreaded my entire life.

My grandma passed that morning; I didn’t give myself the opportunity to fully grieve. I was in action mode. Grandma didn’t have insurance, so that meant we needed to go to SSA and Dept of Health and Human Services for help with home going arrangements. With the constant drama from my extended family and the trials and tribulations I was already facing…I bottled up so much anger, hurt, and resentment. My mind was:  Everyday a fight to keep a smile on my face and to not let the little things bother me. I’m tired of giving people passes…tired of pretending like I’m OK but on the inside I’m broken in pieces.

I thought I had overcome it all….but NYE brought it back to reality. I cried like a baby the entire night. I carried the memorial pamphlet I made for her with me as I sipped wine in honor of her at midnite, I felt my heart shift and break another piece off.

I miss my grandmother so much! That was my lady.

I never got the chance to talk to her about men, how I was afraid of living alone for so long and how I wished I had went to college right after high school.

She won’t get to physically see me find my king, get married, and have her first grand babies from her eldest daughter’s side of the family.

It’s been hard for me…..i cannot wait until April….I’m taking off the entire week and going to see my Lala.

I pray that god gives me the strength to continue on my journey, I’m tired of struggling with the things that I do.